On the eve of the Iowa Caucuses, here's my summary of the campaigns.

For those of you who don't live in Iowa, you have no idea what we go through every four years. We're bombarded with mail, phone calls, and personal appearances by presidential candidates for several months. Everyone wants to do well here because it sets the stage for the rest of the primaries. So here are my awards to the Republican campaigns based on their efforts here in Iowa:

Most Likely to Cripple a Mail Man goes to Ron Paul without a doubt. We're talking 3-5 pieces of mail per week for the last month.

Most Likely to Interrupt Dinner goes again to Ron Paul for his incessant phone calls.

Biggest Yard Sign Award goes to Mitt Romney for having signs that are sometimes bigger than the houses they're sitting in front of.

Least Likely to Show His Face In Iowa is a tie between Rudy Giuliani and John McCain. This could also be called the You Can't Fool Us, You're Really a Democrat award. These guys know they can't sell their thinly disguised liberal platform to us Hawkeyes so they've been concentrating on New Hampshire and Florida where the average age of voters is "dead". They'll score big with the AARP and Alzheimer's crowd, many of whom are Republican in name only.

Most Likely to Sleep Through the Caucus goes to Fred Thompson. I don't think any candidate has ever run a more lackluster campaign. Fredo also wins the Most Likely to Wear Gucci to Walk Through Cow Pies for his appearance at the Iowa State Fair.

Who The Heck Are You? award goes to Duncan Hunter. I saw him on a list of Republican presidential candidates but you'd never know it from his presence in Iowa.

Best TV Ad goes to Mike Huckabee for his Chuck Norris endorsement. (View it here.) Mike also wins Most Likely to Make You Not Want to Go to Church award as people you could normally have pleasant conversations with are converted to raging Huckafans.

So who's getting my vote? I'll figure it out when I get there. The Republicans don't have anyone strong enough to beat any of the Democrat candidates powered by the complicit liberal media, and none are overtly conservative in the traditional sense of the word. A candidate like Giuliani offers very little to excite a conservative other than as an alternative to the hard-core socialism of Mrs. Clinton, who is sure to capture the Democrat nomination. America seems dead set on destroying itself morally and economically and I'm afraid it's going to get what it's asking for in its next president.