February 15, 1997

"Up Against the Wall, Mr. Rairdin!"

As you know, everything you carry on the plane has to go through the x-ray machine. The problem is that laptop computers are so dense that the machine can't see through them. Anything else in your bag is obscured by the presence of the computer. Some airports avoid this problem by asking you to remove your computer from the bag and send it through separately. Generally, they can then determine you have no bombs and no guns. "Thank you. Have a nice flight."

But the more anal retentive among the FAA goons insist on taking it one step further. You have to turn the computer on to prove that it works; that it's not just a computer-shaped explosive device.

Oh, to be DOS again...

Back in the Old Days this was no big deal: Turn on the computer and the memory test fires up and the lady says, "Thanks" and you're on your way.

Not so today.

I'm not sure what happens if I don't let my Toshiba get all the way through firing up Win95. I know that if I just shut it off while it's running that it doesn't really shut off. It goes into "Resume Mode" where everything is off but the battery is keeping RAM alive so the next time I turn it on it just pops right back to what I was doing.

You might think I would just leave the computer in Resume Mode to make power-up go faster. The problem is that Resume Mode consumes batteries faster than full power-off mode. And since I generally have just enough batteries to cover the entire flight, I don't like to run them down while the computer's in the bag.

So I turn the computer on, let it go into Win95, log in as me, let it start up all my programs, then do Shut Down from the Start menu. About a minute and a half. Feels like an hour when you're late for a flight.

You found my bomb!

The real problem here is not the time involved, but the pointlessness of the time involved.

Let's say we're going to blow up a plane. As I see it we have several options. One is to convince an Islaamic Fundamentalist (or a Klingon) that your cause is Just and ask him to swallow a couple sticks of TNT and a Bic lighter. He gets through security OK and makes it on the plane. Now the trick is to get the TNT lit. But you get the idea... it could be done.

A more realistic option is to carry the bomb in your carry-on luggage. Perhaps conceal it in your computer. Pull the CD drive out and replace it with your bomb. Leave the computer so it turns on normally in case it's inspected by the security people. Once on the plane you just pick your moment - perhaps after you've asked twice for a refill of coffee on a United flight from Denver to San Diego last week and been ignored both times - and kablooey!

Computers don't kill people (very often)

The point is, if you're going to back a bomb in your computer, you're certainly going to make sure it turns on! So why hassle innocent passengers when you know you're never going to catch a terrorist that way? Everyone on TWA 800 went through security and the plane still blew up. Everyone on the Value Jet flight that crashed in Florida went through security and the plane still blew up. Everyone on PanAm 103 that went down over Scotland went through security and it still blew up.

So, FAA, either strip-search me or just let me get on the plane. But don't just hassle me on the way to the gate in the name of "security." You're not securing anything.